i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
So i told my advisor i had to drop the class bc the prof said "supposably" and "irregardless" within the 1st 10 minutes of the 1st class; she agreed with me that dropping it was the best choice
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Randomize
