His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
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