My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
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