My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Randomize
