i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Randomize
