"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
We have started to decorate penises.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
You're breaking my sexual little heart
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
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