Why. Ill be the rabbit if ull be the carrot.
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
