It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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