omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Randomize
