dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
If i could tip my vagina, i would.
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
Randomize
