Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
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