when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
he looked about as manly as a guy in a volkswagen bug can look
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
And my parents said I crawled through the house
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
