Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
