I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
