I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
Inquiring minds want to know if your Bf is circumcised
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
