i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
I booty called her while she was in labor.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
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