Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
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