I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
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