my phone needs a breathalizer
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
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