mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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