I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
I want her autograph on my taint
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
Randomize
