New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
Randomize
