Spencer Pratt, I WILL beat the shit out of you someday, I Promise
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
Randomize
