I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
Sooooooo, can scratch getting a pelvic exam by a man dressed as Woody from Toy Story off my list.
You need to write an essay about this experience.
He was even wearing the hat.
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
Randomize
