I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
That's a lot of people she's fucked in one picture.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
Randomize
