Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
We were so bored at work tonight that we were in dry storage taking turns pouring the boxed wine we use for cooking into each others' mouths. I think I'm starting to understand the "problem" aspect of "drinking problem."
like semen in my mouth is absolutely disgusting but i'd still like to experience it
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
