dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
I showed him my bush... on skype.
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
Randomize
