My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
Randomize
