ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
I had fun. Till he melissa etheridged my ass and came to my window.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
Got into the physics lab with my student id, hooked up over break when school was closed. I regret no payments for tuition.
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
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