I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Randomize
