If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
