My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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