Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
am i the only one who finds it a little awkward seeing as we all made out last night?
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
Randomize
