Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
Rumble strips road head = magical
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
Randomize
