Lavender boy was great at seduction and crappy in bed.
I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Randomize
