dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
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