I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
worse. her friends hid in the bathroom while she gave me head and then screamed surprise right as i was about to cum
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
