Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
Randomize
