whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
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