I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
Randomize
