This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
Randomize
