I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
Randomize
