Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
there is puke in my bra ... again
Randomize
