Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
Randomize
