i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
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