the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
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