I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
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