I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
Randomize
