guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
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