So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
Randomize
