You really coming over, don't trick.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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