The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
